Boundaries vs. Requests: Knowing the Difference and How to Use Both with Love
In the journey of healing and wholehearted living, learning to express our needs clearly and lovingly is essential. But often, we confuse requests with boundaries—and that confusion can lead to unmet needs, resentment, or even relational breakdown.
Let’s clarify the difference.
What’s a Boundary?
A boundary is about you—what you are willing or not willing to do, tolerate, or participate in. It’s not about controlling another person; it’s about taking responsibility for your own well-being and safety.
Think of a boundary as a fence you build around your own life—defining what’s yours to manage, protect, and honor.
Examples of boundaries:
“If you continue to yell, I will end the conversation and leave the room.”
“I’m not available to discuss this topic over text anymore. I’m open to a conversation in person.”
What’s a Request?
A request is an invitation to someone else. It expresses a need, desire, or preference—but it leaves space for a “yes,” “no,” or counteroffer. A healthy request allows for mutual respect and open dialogue.
Requests foster connection; boundaries protect it.
Examples of requests:
“Would you be willing to put your phone away during dinner?”
“Can you call me if you’re going to be more than 15 minutes late?”
Why It Matters to Know the Difference
Confusing a request for a boundary can lead to manipulation or disappointment. For example:
“You need to stop raising your voice or I’m leaving you.” ← This is a threat, not a boundary.
“If you raise your voice, I will take a break from the conversation.” ← This is a boundary.
“Would you be open to speaking in a calmer tone?” ← This is a request.
When you know the difference, you can speak your truth without trying to control someone else—and respond to others with more clarity and compassion.
TWO TEMPLATES FOR MAKING A REQUEST
Here are two simple but powerful ways to frame a request with kindness and clarity.
Template 1: “I feel / I need / Would you be willing…”
This version helps express feelings and needs without blame.
Example:
“I feel overwhelmed when I come home to a messy kitchen. I need more order at the end of the day. Would you be willing to help tidy up after dinner?”
Template:
“I feel [emotion] when [specific situation]. I need [need]. Would you be willing to [specific request]?”
Template 2: The Collaborative Request
This version invites cooperation and acknowledges the other person’s perspective.
Example:
“Hey, I’ve been feeling really disconnected lately. I’d love more time together. Could we talk about carving out one evening a week for just us?”
Template:
“I’ve been noticing [observation or challenge]. I’d love to [hope or intention]. Could we [proposed solution or next step]?”
In Summary
Boundaries say, “This is what I will do to take care of myself.”
Requests say, “This is what I’d love from you—are you open to it?”
Both are rooted in self-awareness, respect, and love. Learning when and how to use them is a key step toward healthier, more honest relationships.
