Horizontal vs. Vertical Relationships: Are You Partnering or Parenting in Your Marriage?
In healthy adult relationships, connection is built on mutual respect, shared responsibility, and emotional reciprocity. But not all relationships function this way.
Some relationships operate on what therapist Terry Real describes as a vertical dynamic—a structure where one person assumes a role of superiority (parent, rescuer, fixer), and the other is placed in a role of inferiority (child, dependent, under-functioner). In contrast, horizontal relationships are based on equality—both partners stand shoulder to shoulder, supporting and being supported in return.
Understanding the difference can shed light on patterns that lead to resentment, disconnection, or codependency—especially in marriages where trauma, betrayal, or emotional immaturity are present.
What Is a Vertical Relationship?
A vertical relationship mirrors a parent-child structure. One person takes on more power, authority, or responsibility, while the other takes less. It often looks like:
One partner making most or all decisions
One correcting, teaching, or managing the other
One carrying the emotional or logistical weight of the relationship
A dynamic of over-functioning vs. under-functioning
While this structure may seem efficient in the short term, it usually leads to imbalance, burnout, and frustration. The “parent” feels overwhelmed or resentful. The “child” feels inadequate, controlled, or shamed.
Example:
After years of deceit around pornography use, a wife finds herself micromanaging her husband’s behavior—checking devices, scheduling therapy, reminding him of boundaries, and interpreting his emotional responses. Over time, she begins to feel more like his mother than his wife. He, in turn, becomes passive or defensive, avoiding accountability and relying on her to guide his recovery.
This is a vertical relationship—and though often formed from good intentions, it erodes the possibility of true partnership.
What Is a Horizontal Relationship?
A horizontal relationship is built on mutuality. Both people are seen as whole, capable, and responsible for their own choices. Key features include:
Shared emotional labor and decision-making
Mutual respect for differences
Autonomy without disconnection
Honest, direct communication
Accountability without control
In horizontal relationships, partners walk together, rather than one pulling the other along.
In the same example, a shift toward a horizontal dynamic might look like this:
The wife expresses her needs for transparency and safety. She sets clear boundaries, but releases responsibility for her husband’s healing. He begins doing his own work—seeking support, building internal motivation, and owning his recovery. They each show up as adults, owning their roles and pursuing trust together.
Why This Matters
While vertical dynamics can feel familiar—especially if we grew up in families where love was earned by compliance or control—they are not sustainable in healthy adult relationships.
Over time, vertical relationships:
Prevent emotional intimacy
Breed resentment and power struggles
Reinforce dependency or avoidance
Undermine personal growth in both people
Horizontal relationships, though more vulnerable and complex, offer something far richer: authentic connection. Each person is free to be fully themselves—and fully responsible.
How to Move Toward a Horizontal Relationship
Notice the roles. Are you parenting, rescuing, or fixing? Are you being passive, compliant, or avoidant?
Own your part. Healthy relationships begin with emotional responsibility.
Make requests, not demands. Ask for what you need, but release control over others’ choices.
Foster mutual accountability. Don’t carry what isn’t yours—and don’t ask someone else to carry what is.
Build emotional maturity. Through therapy, coaching, reflection, and honest conversations, both partners can grow into their adult selves.
Final Thought
Love isn’t about hierarchy—it’s about partnership. If you’re stuck in a parent-child pattern in your relationship, you’re not alone. These dynamics are often born out of trauma, fear, or survival. But with awareness, courage, and support, you can shift the pattern—and rebuild connection on solid, horizontal ground. If you’d like help navigating the shift you long for in your relationship, reach out via my contact page for more information. You don’t have to do this alone!
Reference:
Real, T. (2002). How Can I Get Through to You? Reconnecting Men and Women. Scribner.
(Terry Real also teaches this concept extensively in his therapy model, Relational Life Therapy.)
