Holding Both: The Power of “Both/And” in a “Either/Or” World
So often, we’re taught to live in the binary: right or wrong, good or bad, stay or leave, strong or weak. But healing—and life—is rarely so black and white. One of the most powerful tools in emotional and relational growth is the practice of holding both—the capacity to accept that two seemingly contradictory things can be true at the same time.
What Does It Mean to "Hold Both"?
Holding both means we allow space for complexity. It means acknowledging that:
You can feel deep grief and profound gratitude.
You can love someone and have boundaries with them.
You can be healing and still feel broken.
You can be angry and compassionate.
You can forgive and still choose to walk away.
This is the heart of the "both/and" mindset, a core concept in trauma-informed care, systems theory, and emotional intelligence. It invites nuance. It welcomes paradox. And most importantly, it honors your full human experience.
Why We Struggle with Both/And Thinking
When we’re overwhelmed, scared, or hurt, our brains tend to default to survival mode—fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. In that state, nuance can feel dangerous or exhausting. Black-and-white thinking gives us a false sense of control and clarity.
But over time, that kind of thinking can keep us stuck. It can stunt growth, erode empathy, and limit the richness of our relationships—including the one we have with ourselves.
Healing Requires Making Room for Complexity
If you’re on a journey of healing from betrayal, addiction, or trauma, holding both becomes essential.
You may feel angry at what happened and grateful for the clarity it brought.
You may mourn what was lost and celebrate who you're becoming.
You may need space from someone you love.
You may trust your partner's recovery work and still not feel emotionally safe.
This isn't about being wishy-washy or avoiding hard decisions. It's about integrity—the integration of all parts of you. Holding both allows you to stay grounded in truth without needing to force a single narrative.
How to Practice Holding Both
Name the Tension
Start by saying it out loud or journaling:
“I feel (emotion) AND I also feel (emotion).”
Naming both parts creates space for compassion and curiosity.Breathe Through the Discomfort
Holding both is often uncomfortable. Your nervous system might resist. That’s okay. Breathe. Stay present. Let both truths sit in the same room for a while.Challenge Either/Or Thinking
Notice when you catch yourself swinging to one extreme or erasing your experience to accommodate someone else’s. Pause. Ask: “What else might be true here?”Surround Yourself with Safe People
Healing in community helps. Look for people—friends, therapists, coaches—who can hold both with you without trying to fix, judge, or reduce your experience.
The Freedom of Holding Both
When we give ourselves permission to hold both, we become more resilient. More honest. More whole.
We stop needing to erase parts of our stories or defend ourselves against complexity. We start living with more integrity, more humility, and more capacity to love.
Holding both isn’t weakness. It’s wisdom.
Ready to explore this in your own healing journey?
If you’re learning to hold the tension of opposites in your story, I invite you to reach out. Use the contact form on my website to schedule a free consultation. You don’t have to navigate the gray alone.
You can hold both.
And you don’t have to hold it all by yourself.
